The Mindset of Victim in Recovery - Alana Carvalho

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28th December 2021 | Written by

The Mindset of Victim in Recovery

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Let’s talk about emotional immaturity ... because it shows up quietly, but it loudly affects your relationships.⁠
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You might be bending over backwards to fix things, avoid conflict, or keep the peace... meanwhile, they’re withdrawing, deflecting, or reacting defensively.⁠
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👉 That’s not emotional safety - it’s emotional exhaustion.⁠
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In codependent relationships, emotional immaturity creates an imbalance where you carry the weight of the connection. And it’s *not sustainable.*⁠
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Swipe through to learn the signs - and start recognizing who actually has the capacity to meet you where you are.⁠
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💬 Which one on the list hit home for you?
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✨ Comment BOOK for a free excerpt + reflection exercise from Raising Empowered Children: The Codependent Perfectionist’s Guide to Parenting. Even if you’re not a parent, this book helps unpack how emotional patterns are formed - and how to break them.

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Ever freeze up when someone crosses your boundary?
You’re not alone. When you’ve spent a lifetime people-pleasing, speaking up can feel terrifying.

But in recovery, we practice using our voice—calmly, clearly, and without apology.

Swipe through or save these 6 go-to phrases for the next time someone pushes past your limits. You don’t need to explain, justify, or overextend.

🛑 Your boundary is valid.
🗣 Your voice matters.
💪 And you don’t owe anyone access to your peace.

✨ Comment CARDS if you want a free sample PDF of my Codependent Perfectionist Oracle Deck with a reflection to help you speak up for yourself.

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Are you over-explaining in texts? This is a very common trait of codependents, but with some reflection, we can start sending messages that feel authentic and honest.

Before you hit send, ask yourself:

❓ Am I sharing to connect—or to earn approval?

💬 Am I trying to manage how they see me by over-explaining or defending myself?

🧠 Am I taking responsibility for something that isn’t mine?

⏳ Am I giving them more information than they actually need?

🧭 Am I rooted in clarity or reacting from fear, guilt, or anxiety?

🧍‍♀️ Would I still send this message if I felt confident and self-assured right now?

🛑 What would this message look like if I trusted my truth didn’t need to be justified?

✂️ What part of this message is actually unnecessary or self-abandoning?

📉 Am I shrinking myself to avoid conflict or discomfort?

🔁 Would I expect or want someone else to explain themselves this much to me?

These questions help bring awareness to the why behind the communication—so you can respond instead of react, and relate instead of perform.

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✨ “If your peace feels like punishment to someone else... you were never safe in that relationship.” ✨⁠
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In codependency recovery, one of the most painful but freeing realizations is that your peace (your calm, your quiet, your healing) might disrupt the people who benefited from your chaos.⁠
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If setting boundaries, protecting your energy, or simply not engaging triggers someone to guilt, blame, or shame you… it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong.⁠
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It’s a sign they were never comfortable with the version of you that was grounded, centered, and whole.⁠
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In narcissistic dynamics, peace threatens their control. They thrive when you're anxious, over-explaining, self-doubting, or abandoning yourself.⁠
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But you’re allowed to choose peace anyway.⁠
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You don’t owe anyone your continued suffering just because they were comfortable with it.⁠
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💬 Tell me in the comments: What’s one way you’ve protected your peace lately?⁠
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#peoplepleasing #peopleplease #peoplepleaser #codependencyrecovery #codependent #codependentnomore

© COPYRIGHT 2025 Alana Carvalho

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